Naruto: The Reruns!
by Codaram
Summary: What if Naruto wasn't actually a complete and utter moron? What if there was a chance for him to show the world what he could truly do (and at only 12 years old. Wow!)? What if an unexpected stranger were to...wait a second, you're saying this has been done before? SCANDALOUS.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **A man can only take so much of this, FanFiction! I have grown weary of this nonsense, and now you will hear my wrath!

This is only a Parody. I hope you will enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter ONE (Or the only one, I don't fucking know)**

A young boy sat alone in front of the Konoha academy, weakly kicking his legs in a broken-down old swing. He stared at the ground, with a blank expression.

The teasing had gotten worse. Naruto hardly knew what they were saying, but he knew it was because they hated him.

_~Flashback to like, 5 minutes Ago~_

"_Hey Naruto…" Sakura said, looking quite slut-ish. "You should just give up on life now. There's like, NO way you'll ever be better than Sasuke-kun, no way you'll somehow come across this super crazy power that makes you a complete badass when you're only 12 years old."_

"_Wat," Naruto said, suddenly feeling angry towards the girl he had a crush on for no particular reason all of a sudden. "Listen here you…you…heroine with little character development!"_

_Sakura gasped. NO one had ever called her that before. But she didn't know how to react._

_You know, since she doesn't have any character development._

"_I'm tired of you treating me like doody, and I'm gonna show you just how much of a badass I am!" Naruto yelled in her face, spraying spittle all over her disgusting pink hair. Who the hell has pink hair anyway? Bitch. _

"_I'll find that super crazy power somehow, and make everyone like me just like that!" he snapped his fingers for effect._

_Oh snap._

_Sakura gasped again. She choked on all the air she had gasped in, because she was too stupid to exhale._

"_You'll see, Naruto!" she howled. "You're doomed to being a scrawny little butt who has horrible taste in clothes! Sasuke will totally like, surpass you, and not end up as somebody's bitch that's bashed for no reason. Yep, I should know. I has the brain of a mindless fan-girl!"_

_She skipped away, having completely forgotten what had just happened between her and Naruto. Maybe she would go hang out with Ino and complain that neither of them got any meaningful screen-time unless some big shit was about to go down. Lee, Tenten, Neji, Shino, Kiba…they'd all be there too._

_~End Useless flashback~_

The little blonde boy laughed at her foolishness. For no apparent reason, her stoopidness didn't make him feel bad anymore! It was like he was free to become the god-like Naruto he always wanted to be, without having to actually work at it or anything!

"Tee-hee-hee…she cannot brain today! She has the dumb! I will no longer let her or all the other people in this village treat me like trash! I'm gonna suddenly mature and be all brooding and stuff, and Sakura-chan will be all 'Naruto-kun, please lemme be yo girl,' she'll say."

He struck a _fabulous_ pose. "And I'll be all like, 'Nuh-uh, beeeeetch,' and I'll kick her in the ovaries!" He jumped down from the swing, and raced off to wherever his feet would take him. He didn't mind that there was some creepy guy wearing a hoodie in the bushes. He was sure he was gonna help him eventually.

* * *

Naruto was walking down one of the village's many streets, strangely calm. The villager's hateful looks didn't seem to bother him, the same as when they spit at him, fling their poo at him, or tried to set him on fire and eat him. They started to chase after him, screaming that they were going to cut off his legs and feed them to their children. And the Hokage would be totally okay with it, they said.

These villagers be fucked up like, for REAL. But they were stupid, almost as stupid as dumb-dumb Sakura was, and Naruto easily outran them.

He ran into Sasuke.

Emo c*nt.

"Hn," Sasuke said tauntingly. His eyes blazed with revenge. You remember that revenge, right? It's the one he'll never accomplish because people like glaring plot holes.

"Outta my way, pretty boy!" Naruto announced too loudly. "I'm on my way to a life-changing event in the middle of the woods with a hooded stranger!"

"Hn?" Sasuke asked. He was intrigued. Why was it not he that was getting the hooded stranger's gift?

Wow, that sounds really bad.

"Hn."

"How am I supposed to know why he wants to talk to me and not to you?" Naruto groaned. "Maybe if you didn't yak everyone's ear off, more strangers would want to give you power, instead of just one pedophile who's never left his mom's basement. That mo-fo is _pale_."

"Hn." Sasuke declared. His dark eyes watched Naruto carefully, waiting for a response.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto exclaimed. "Well _your_ mom is so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside, and ran out with a bowl!"

The entire village laughed and pointed at Emo-Sasuke. What a sick burn, it was.

"Hn? HN? HNNNNNNN!" Sasuke yelled after him, but Naruto was not listening. He needed to get to his life-changing moment, and fast!

* * *

Hinata hated everything, and everyone.

Her father, who abused her for no reason whatsoever. Maybe he didn't like her hair or something.

Her sister, who despite not having any kind of personality, is some kind of psycho-bitch.

Neji, her cousin, who…well, she didn't really know why she hated Neji. When this God-forsaken story gets to the chūnin exams, he'll come around and start liking her.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the...oh god, here it comes. It's-!

_~Another Useless Flashback. Don't we already know what fucking happened? I mean, she's crying in her room. What else would have happened? This flashback is stupid~_

_._

_._

_._

_~End Stupid, Unnecessary Flashback #2~_

Maybe that's what her father, as well as everybody in the Hyūga clan needed: a good ass-whoopin'.

But she couldn't give her father an ass-whoopin'. At least not until her Naruto-kun gives her the confidence and life lessons she needs to suddenly be able to overpower her clan leader father despite him having decades worth of experience and skill over her. She could make it with willpower, and determination!

And they were like, what? Thirteen? Yeah, that totally makes sense, she reassured herself, before she raced out of the Hyūga compound, ready for a good cry.

After finding a tree she was sure Naruto would be passing by any minute now, Hinata knelt down, and the waterworks started. Crybaby.

"Who's there?" she heard a voice call out. She knew it was Naruto. She recognized his voice.

And he was standing right in front of her.

"What matter, Hinata?" he asked, getting on his knees to look at her properly.

Woah, no way!

He suddenly realizes that out of nowhere, he loves her! Yeah, even though he's gonna have this huge harem of all the busty chicks in the entire goddamn world that will cater to his every (poorly-written) sexual whim, Hinata wouldn't mind a single bit of all that, and want to be his girlfriend! She'd be like his main-hoe!

"Oh, it's nothing Naruto-kun!" Hinata said. (My loins! They ache for you!) She thought.

"I've just been having a bad day, that's all," she said. (Take me here, right now! Even though we haven't even been through puberty yet!) She thought.

Naruto got to his feet. "Not anymore! You're gonna stop being a little crybaby, and suddenly go through this massive spurt of personal growth, just like I did not five minutes ago, thanks to that stupid Sakura-chan!"

"Hey, I take offense to that." Sakura waved her fist in the air, having fallen out of a tree where she had been eavesdropping. She skipped away, having completely forgotten what had just happened. Again.

"Okay well, that was weird!" Naruto announced. "But I'll say it again! You're gonna stop being a little crybaby, and suddenly go through this massive spurt of personal growth, just like I did not five minutes ago!"

Hinata nodded. "Kay. I love you. Did you know that?"

Naruto gasped. He knew he loved her, but he was still surprised that she actually said it!

"But you couldn't be with me!" Naruto insisted. "I have the Kyūbi inside me!"

"The what?"

Naruto lifted up his shirt. The Kyūbi waved at his new friend from the hole in Naruto's stomach.

"**SUP," **he growled. He knew he and this Hyūga girl would be best friends, even though the Kyūbi was actually a sexy vixen that would seduce Naruto because they need to have a fucking lemon every two fucking chapters.

Naruto pulled his shirt back down. "So what do you say, whatever-your-name-is…wanna be my main bitch?"

Hinata nodded happily. She leaned in to stick her tongue down Naruto's throat, but he shoved her in the face.

"Hold your ninja-horses, ho." Naruto dusted himself off. "I have to go meet a stranger in the middle of the woods who's gonna teach me this awesome new power that I'll use to be the very best, like no one ever was! TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST, TO TRAIN THEM IS MY—"

"Naruto-kun, that's Pokémon," Hinata had to remind him, since he was a complete moron unless he needed to be smart to move the plot forward.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, as he often did when people needed to know he was nervous. He could bite his lip or look away, but rubbing his head seemed to be their favorite. He laughed nervously, and sprinted away.

Hinata shrugged. She could always go home and masturbate.

Gotta have them lemons, after all. And when life gives you lemons, write them like shit!

* * *

Naruto was at a part of the forest he'd never been to. He was sure of that. I mean, all the trees fucking look the same when they're around the VILLAGE HIDDEN IN THE GODDAMN LEAVES, but he surely recognizes that this place is foreign to him. He didn't recognize that rock, and knew it was where he needed to be.

Also, the hooded guy was standing like, _right_ there.

"Hello Naruto…" he said in a deep, unrecognizable voice. "I have been watching you for a long time now."

"Pervert."

The stranger threw up his hands in defense. He could feel the boy's killing intent radiating off of him. "Woah, dawg! I'm not like that! I just wanted to give you the power, that's all!"

"Then why do you have an erection?" Naruto asked.

"That's the power, I assure you. If you would allow me to just pull it out of my pocket, I could give it to you…"

"Riiiight. I'm just gonna take a few steps back now." Naruto took a few steps back, because we needed to know this twice.

But the man was telling the truth. Out of his pocket he produced a small stone, yellow in color. Electricity seemed to course through it as he held it in his palms. Naruto's eyes widened in amazement.

"This…" the man began to explain, "is a Thunder stone. Choose any electric type you wish, and you can use this stone to evolve—"

"Sorry, this isn't Pokémon," Naruto said sadly. "I made that mistake thirty-something seconds ago. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200$. You have failed, and _hard._"

The man pocketed the stone, swearing underneath his breath. He quickly regained his composure, and was a mysterious stranger once more.

"Then, what power would you like?" he asked. "I can give you anything you desire."

"Can I learn to control gravity?"

"No, that's fucking stupid," the man said.

"What about time?"

"Wow, overpowered much?"

"A dōjutsu that lets me copy dōjutsu's that lets me copy bloodlines, which give me immortality?" Naruto squealed with delight.

"Are you even speaking English right now? Did you hit your head on the way here?"

Naruto stomped his feet into the ground. "Well, what am I supposed to ask for if you don't like any of my ideas!?"

The man shrugged. "I don't know. How about we turn you into a vampire, or a hanyou (whatever the fuck that is), or maybe something else entirely? How about we give you the Rinnegan, or the Sharbyakugan?"

He pulled a glass jar out of his pocket. "I even have in my possession the Shamalamadingdongagan, a powerful set of eyes that grant the power to jump the shark and be a ruthless fighter one second, and a complete pussy the next, provided it's needed for the story to advance! You'll be lucky to find something that hasn't been done to fucking death, so try to remember that beggars can't be choosers, okay?"

"I'm not a beggar!" Naruto whined. "Jiraiya, some guy I haven't even met yet, is giving me lots of money with his smut books! So does my Father's rich clan (how convenient), and my ancient clan the Uzumaki's left me loaded as well, even though they're scattered across the globe fearing for their lives!

The man threw his hands up into the air out of exasperation. "Fine, let's just put off the newfound power for now. We'll forget we ever had this conversation, and you can discover it on your own when you go to the Wave, or during the chūnin exams, or some other repetitive shit we've all read a thousand times. That sound good?"

"Fine with me."

The man turned to go, but Naruto suddenly felt confused. Was he really going to trust this man to give him this power, when only a few minutes ago he accused him of being a Pedo? Naruto had to know how he was.

"Hey!" he called out. "Who are you? Do I know you?"

The man chuckled softly to himself. "You know me very well, Naruto. Allow me to introduce myself…"

He threw back his hood to reveal.

"It is I, Danzō! I plan to use your new power to gain control of the village!"

Naruto yawned. "Seen it."

The man cackled. "That was merely a trick, boy. For I am actually…your father, who was raised from the dead to watch over you!"

"Seen it."

"Your mother?"

"You have an Adam's apple, jackass."

The man grew desperate. "I am the Shinigami! The God of Death who has seen fit to—"

"Boooring!"

"The Minigami?"

"What the fuck even _is_ that?"

The man roared in anger, jumping up and down, sure nothing a Shinigami, or his father, or Danzō, or anyone else would do.

"Fine, forget who I am for now! You'll find out eventually through a poll I've set up in my profile! And now, I disappear!" He started waving his hands in front of him while making a gurgling sound, confident he would vanish from Naruto's sight.

He didn't.

"Curses!" he scrambled into the forest, tripping over a root. You could hear him grunt in pain as his thunderstone smacked him in his Poké Balls.

Naruto suddenly felt the urge to sleep. It was a good way to end a chapter, since you can lead up to the next one with waking up and all. He slumped to the ground, and was snoring loudly in seconds.

From her perch, Sakura flipped Naruto her middle finger. She cackled into the wind, spread her gangly wings, and flew off to be bashed by Kakashi or Iruka, vanishing in the darkness as clouds moved in front of the moon.

Oh yeah, it was nighttime now. Edgy, right?

* * *

**Author's Note:** I was just glossing over the newest stories, when I saw that same fucking summary. You know the one. I saw it, and I snapped.

I was just going to rage at my computer for a few minutes until I got hungry or had to pee, but then I thought, why not turn my anger and frustration into something positive?

This is a parody, and if any of you actually take offense to any of this nonsense, you can go...right on and have that opinion, because you have every right to!

If you like what you saw, let me know! I'd be happy to make this multi-chap, should you so desire, since there is so much ripe for the mocking.

Until next time.

**(Dec. 10 Note: I will add another chapter eventually, but this is just fine as a humorous one-shot for the time being, so it will be listed as complete, until the urge to mock and parody overcomes me again. I hope you enjoyed it! I know I did while writing it!)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Because fuck you, that's why.

* * *

**Chapter 2 - S.S.D.D (Google it, Motherfucker)**

Naruto slept in his bed peacefully. The morning sun shined down on him through the blinds, and birds chirped outside his window. Naruto had few people he could count on, but at least they kept him company.

Oh, and the fucking pedo that was sitting right beside his bed. He was there too.

The man watched Naruto curiously. Such a little boy, but with such a great potential…he wondered how much the world would change in the coming months. Needless to say, the entire world would remember Naruto Uzumaki's name, one way or another.

Naruto suddenly sat up, staring at the man with wide eyes. "Excuse me, but are you monologue-ing right now? Like, you're sitting next to my bed and fucking saying everything out loud? Are you serious right now?"

The man cursed himself for his foolishness, tripping over the chair he was sitting in as he scrambled to his feet. Naruto watched him with only a little curiosity, scratching at his ass.

"Uhh….yes!" the man said, making a flourish with his cloak. "I have been watching you for quite some time, Naruto Uzumaki! I come here today to—"

"Didn't we already go through with this? Like, last chapter and everything?" Naruto asked, getting up to make himself some breakfast. "Yadda yadda ultimate power bullshit? I think that needs to wait a few more chapters, since just taking longer to get to something apparently means the same as building tension."

"Oh, yeah," the man shot towards the window, before tripping on an empty ramen container. Arms flailing, he flew outside, and smashed into the telephone pole nearby, before sliding down to the street. It had caused quite a commotion, and several people stopped what they were doing to look.

"Hey, isn't that the Fourth Hokage?" one asked.

"Nah, I think that's Danzō."

"You're both idiots. That's clearly Orochimaru."

"Stop guessing who I am!" the man said, leaping to his feet. "You're not supposed to know until I say so!" He ran away in tears, and everyone laughed and threw rotten food at him.

Naruto watched everything from his window, chomping on some cereal. Yes, cereal. He loves ramen, but having it for breakfast is fucking disgusting.

What's wrong with you people?

He finished his meal in a few minutes, and quickly got dressed in his standard tracksuit. He felt something in his pocket, and pulled out a small yellow stone, with an etching of a lightning bolt carved across the top.

_"This is a Thunder stone," _he remembered the man saying. _"Choose any electric type you wish, and you can use this stone to evolve—"_

"Booring!" Naruto threw the stone into the trash, before heading out the door. The stone began to glow, and suddenly erupted into a small fire, setting the bin alight.

* * *

There was a lively chatter in the Academy when he arrived, all talking about the mysterious stranger that had gotten lost in the village. Some say he resembled Jiraiya, others could have sworn he looked just like the 1st Hokage. Naruto ignored them all, and sat towards the middle.

He heard a screeching sound behind him, and turned around to see Sakura flapping her arms at him, pecking at his head. "What the hell?" he shouted, as she nipped at his hair.

"You're sitting in my seat!" Saku-bitch said, kicking him in the shin. "This is where Sasuke-kun sits! How am I supposed to fawn over him if you're in the way? YOU CAN'T BREAK MY ROUTINE!"

Naruto suddenly stood, and pointed at Sakura for all to see. "Hey, did you forget what happened yesterday? I told you that I'm not gonna let you push me around anymore! I'm gonna be super strong, you'll see! Sure, it'll be without the proper character development, and al future battles will be boring as fuck, but if that's what it takes…!"

Everyone gasped. Boys withered under Naruto's glory, and girls began to furiously masturbate. Hell, even some guys mumbled that they needed to go to the bathroom all of a sudden. Because let's face it, you threw realism out the window pretty early on.

Iruka came stomping in, using his patented I-can-make-my-head-big jutsu to calm everyone down. He was just about to start class, when he heard a knock at the door.

There was a burst of fire, and Sasuke came rushing through the door, all cool n' shit. The girls started masturbating again (seriously, what the fuck), and Iruka fainted. Naruto was the only one who didn't seem to notice the Uchiha's existence, since the only way to make Naruto seem cool was to make him a total asshole, and not at all like canon, where he's generally nice to everyone, right?

"Hn," Sasuke said, staring straight at Naruto. He never gave the boy a second thought before, but now he decided to make him his eternal rival, and pointed at him with all the drama an anime forces on those kinds of scenes.

"Hn!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and what if I don't _want_ to be your eternal rival? I kind of have other problems to deal with right now."

Sasuke was about to say something else, no doubt something long-winded and stupid and an obvious attempt to make him seem like a shitty character, when the door burst open again.

Iruka fainted again, and just after he had gotten to his feet, too. Hinata Hyūga stood in the doorway for all the class to see, their eyes wide with surprise. She had discarded her jacket, instead choosing to wear a very short tank top of pale yellow, and lavender shorts that covered less than what was probably legal. She winked at Naruto, and hurried over to try and seduce him in front of the entire class.

"What the hell?" Naruto said, squirming underneath her grasp. "Weren't you like the shiest character in the fucking series yesterday? What the fuck happened?"

Hinata smiled at her boyfriend. "I realized that actually taking the time to develop my growth was a waste of time! Isn't it more interesting for me to suddenly become just like you, so that we can skip straight to the underage sex scenes that these people don't seem to have a problem with?"

"That was quite the mouthful," Naruto said.

"Oh, I'll give you a mouthful."

Naruto shivered underneath his jacket. This was really fucking creepy, but for some strange reason, he realized he was beginning to fall for the Hyūga princess, and would probably tell her he loved her in like the next few days to move the romance along quicker.

Seeing Hinata glomp all over Naruto made all the girls in the glass very jealous. Ino realized just how much she loved Naruto as well, and even Sakura couldn't help but feel a little aroused at what she saw in front of her. She still hated Naruto, or did she? Nah, she didn't….or maybe she did. Did she? Sakura thought that maybe…well, maybe not.

Iruka wobbled to his feet, and hurried over the door, before anyone could come in and surprise him again. He turned to the class. "Well everyone, today's the day of your graduation! In order to pass, you have to make a solid clone, as well as demonstrate several of the other skills that we've learned.

Naruto raised his hand. "But Iruka-sensei…that's just like canon. Isn't that a little boring? Couldn't we spend a little more time coming up with something a little more original?"

"Not if we change it a little! If there's one key difference, people don't seem to mind reading the same fucking thing over and over again!" his teacher said excitedly, pulling out a scroll. "Let's see…scavenger hunt, no…getting the Hokage's personal approval, no…Ahhh, here we are!"

He turned the scroll around for everyone to see. "It says here that I'm to give you five hours to train before the exam, which is different enough from canon to make the author feel better about themselves! That should be enough time for incredibly useful circumstances to occur, giving you the chance to pass, Naruto!"

The blonde pumped his fist into the air. "Alright, I won't fail this time!"

Everyone cheered him on, since they suddenly fucking liked him all of a sudden. As the class suddenly rushed up to leave, Naruto saw someone staring at him from outside. He didn't recognize her, but at least she wasn't fawning all over him, like everybody else was. He leaped to his feet, and hurried outside to say hello.

"Hey, can I help you?" he asked, offering his hand out for her to shake.

The girl smiled. "Actually, I came here to help you. My name is Tenten, and I'll make sure you pass your test!"

Naruto scratched at his head. "How are you going to do that? Besides, aren't you like, a tertiary character or something? Wouldn't it be more accurate for Hinata or Iruka to help me?"

Tenten shrugged. "You're probably right, but they need me so they don't have to worry about the character getting over their feelings about the Kyūbi."

"The what?" Naruto asked, not sure of what she was talking about.

Tenten cursed herself. Naruto wasn't supposed to know about that yet. And how Tenten knew about it, no one will ever fucking find out. Plot hole-man, awayyyy!

"Don't worry about that!" she said, laughing nervously. "Anyway, let's go to the library. We're gonna fucking learn and shit."

Naruto groaned. "But that's so unlike my character! Can't you just let me pass through the skin of my teeth, you know…to make it more interesting?"

Tenten shook her head, grabbing onto Naruto's hand. "No can do, Naruto. That's the only semi-decent excuse people have to make Smart, God-like Naruto in the beginning. Plus, it gives them thousands of words to waste everyone's time, since you're literally reading about someone FUCKING READING."

Naruto sighed in resignation. If that's what the story needed…oh wait, it doesn't. Still, he let himself be dragged along, semi-curious as to what would happen once they got there.

* * *

The library was an imposing building, with towering spires, and dark windows covered in cobwebs. Seriously, this shit looks like Silent Hill or something. From one of the towers, Naruto heard a screech, and watched Sakura flap away, disappearing into the clouds as a bolt of lightning struck nearby.

"Do we really have to go inside?" Naruto asked. "I'm sure we can still find something original—"

"Nonsense!" Tenten insisted, dragging him inside. The building actually looked a lot nicer on the inside, and there was a rather pleasant looking young woman sitting behind the desk. She greeted warmly upon seeing Tenten, and even waved at Naruto.

"Hey, we need to find some scrolls and shit to get this guy hooked up for his graduation exam, you dig?" Tenten said, striking a pose.

The woman adjusted her glasses. "Yeeee, bitch. I'll help you an' Naruto out! You can count on yo' bitch, bitch!"

The woman led them back to a special section of the library, labeled 'the section where Naruto learns N' shit.'

"If you need anything else, just let me know, bitch." the woman said, bowing away.

Naruto's eyes lit up at all the techniques he was suddenly interested in reading about, instead of actually trying them out, like his character would. He hurried over to some shit about a 'tiger/dragon/mantis fighting style' scroll, before Tenten got in his way.

"Hey, can you use the shadow clone technique?" she asked. "Because you can use that technique to get lots of reading done in no time! If you let them learn, and then release them, you gain all the knowledge they had!"

Naruto was amazed. "How do you know all this shit?"

Tenten shrugged. "I guess the author made me smarter than I needed to be. Well, I'll help you today, but I have a pretty good feeling that you'll learn the technique soon enough, and then you can get super powered in no time!"

Excited to see what would come when he learned such a technique, Naruto began poring over the scrolls, and Tenten did as well. They looked over what weapon Naruto should use in the future (since for some God-forsaken reason, he needs to have a weapon), and couldn't decide between a halberd or double-edged axe, even though this shit is based off of Japanese stuff. They looked over more fighting styles, and Naruto liked the sound of the conveniently named 'Nine-Tailed Fox Style'. The woman behind the corner reappeared with some snacks, and Naruto asked if he could check the scroll out. The woman hurried over to her superior to ask him.

"I refuse!" the older man said, hissing. "The Kyūbi does not need any of our scrolls! What if he wants to use it for evil?"

Tenten frowned. She got to her feet, and decked the man in one blow. "You're gonna let Naruto take the scroll, or I'll beat you into next week."

As she chewed out the man, Naruto saw someone else move out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, it's Gramps!"

Hiruzen smiled warmly at Naruto. "Why, hello Naruto! It's good to see you reading for once!"

Naruto nodded happily. "Yeah, it's actually a lot of fun! So what brings you here? I mean, you're the Hokage. Can you really just go around to common places in the village, wherever I might happen to be? Don't you have paperwork to do?"

Hiruzen laughed softly. "Of course, but if I wasn't here, how would _this_ happen?" he bent over, and a scroll suddenly fell out from his pocket. Naruto picked it up, and tried to hand it back to the old man, but the Sandaime acted like he didn't even see Naruto, and wandered off.

Naruto examined the scroll, eyes widening when he saw what was written on it. It was the scroll teaching the Shadow Clone technique!

How. Fucking. Convenient.

"And if I ever see you being mean to Naruto again, I'll stick a kunai in your ass!" Tenten yelled, chasing the senior librarian away. She came hurrying back, to find several Narutos reading at once.

"Woah! You learned the Shadow Clone Technique!?" she asked, amazed. "Wh-when?"

"Just now. What's in your hand?"

Tenten smiled. "It's the scroll you wanted! I was able to convince the old man to let you have it."

Naruto pumped his fist into the air. "Awesome! Thanks, Tenten!"

It was the first time he had said her name, and Tenten was surprised when she blushed at the sound of his voice. Now that she really looked at him, the kid was pretty cute, especially with those mischievous little whiskers…

"I need to go to the bathroom!" she suddenly said, louder than intended. Several people around her shushed her, and she awkwardly slunk off to find the restroom. Naruto hadn't even noticed, and continued to read.

But then, he heard a noise from behind him, and was surprised to see Mizuki, his other teacher at the academy, sneaking away with several scrolls from the forbidden section. Why they _had_ a forbidden section that was this fucking easy to break into, Naruto didn't know. Wouldn't it be better to put forbidden technique in the Hokage's house, where they were safe?

Oh, wait.

Naruto's curiosity eventually got the better of him, and he hurried after his teacher, suspicious of what he might want with several forbidden techniques.

* * *

"Hey, what are you doing!?" he suddenly yelled, scaring Mizuki. They stood in the middle of street, as Naruto had followed Mizuki around for a while before his patience ran out.

The man turned around, and regarded Naruto with disdain. He ignored the boy, and continued to walk. Naruto yelled at him again, but Mizuki pretended like he wasn't even there.

Not one for being ignored, Naruto jumped forward, grabbing onto Mizuki's ankle. The man continued to act like there wasn't a thirteen year old being dragged along the ground, but people were starting to stare and ask questions, and finally he couldn't ignore him any longer.

"What are you doing, you little brat!?" Mizuki screamed, pushing Naruto into the dirt. "I will kill you for ruining my plans!"

Naruto was confused. "Aren't you overreacting? I mean, I was just curious why you were in the forbidden section. Maybe it was something official? I'm not that smart, you could have lied."

Mizuki cursed himself for overreacting. But by now a crowd had formed, and he wasn't going to escape unless he got rid of the child in front of him.

"You've got in my way for the last time, Naruto! I'll kill you, and the demon inside!"

"Say what?"

"The Kyūbi. You have it inside you."

"Is that why I have explosive diarrhea?"

No, that's because you eat ramen for every fucking meal."

"Is the Kyūbi why I eat so much ramen?"

Mizuki pulled at his hair, growing frustrated. "God, you're such an idiot! I've had enough!" A giant shuriken suddenly appeared in his hand, and he threw it with great force.

Naruto rolled out of the way just in time, but Mizuki was immediately after him, swinging a kunai in wide arcs and laughing uncontrollably. Naruto was backed against the wall, and the kunai was going straight for his heart.

But then, he remembered the jōnin level technique that he somehow fucking learned in 5 minutes! He put his hands together, and 50 shadow clones appeared by his side, grabbing onto Mizuki's kunai, and stopping it inches from the original Naruto's heart.

They threw him back, and started to pound him into the ground. Naruto was about to jump down and join the fray, when a strong voice pierced through the roar of battle.

"ENOUGH!"

Everyone turned away, and the clones disappeared one by one, revealing a half-beaten Mizuki. Hiruzen stared at him with disapproval, before he turned to Naruto.

"Why are you beating Mizuki up, Naruto?"

"Why are you here, of all places? You stalking me or something?"

The Sandaime shrugged. "It's necessary for the plot. Now, answer my question."

Naruto pointed at Mizuki, who was trying to crawl away. "He was stealing some scrolls from the forbidden section! And then he told me about the Kyūbi, and then he tried to kill me!"

Everyone gasped. Even Mizuki.

Hiruzen, covered his palm with his face. "Naruto, the fact that he was in the forbidden section of the library doesn't mean he was stealing. It's just there to keep children out."

Naruto cocked his head to one side. "What do you mean by that? I mean, look at this _deadly_ technique that Mizuki would have—"

He suddenly realized he was holding a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, and flung it away with a howl of disgust. Mizuki groveled on the ground, hiding the book under his cloak before everyone saw.

"I'm not happy that you assumed wrong, Naruto, but Mizuki did attack you, with intent to kill. He will be dealt with accordingly." Hiruzen waved his arm, and two ANBU appeared at his side, hoisting Mizuki between them.

"And you, Naruto…was that the Shadow Clone technique? How on earth did you master such a technique?"

Naruto was confused again. "Didn't you drop it on purpose? It seemed like you dropped it on purpose."

"No matter. I am impressed by your mastery of the technique, and have decided to reward you! In honor of your achievement, I allow your graduation! You are now officially a shinobi of Konohagakure!"

Naruto's eyes shone. He jumped into the air, hooted and hollered, and danced around in the middle of the street. Hiruzen even boogied a little himself, showing off his sick nasty moves to the rest of the village.

Awww yeah. Dat's why he's Hokage, bitches.

But he wasn't as young as he used to be, and had to stop. He took several deep breaths, and smiled. "Now, you're still required to attend the final exam, but your score will no longer have an effect on your graduation. Congratulations, Naruto…you should be proud!"

"Thanks old man! I'm gonna go tell Iruka-sensei" Naruto raced off, cheering all along the way. Hiruzen laughed at Naruto's enthusiasm. That boy had a strange way of making everything seem a little brighter.

Hiding behind the dumpster, the man smirked. "Everything is going according to plan. Naruto, you have become a part of something much bigger than you realize…"

He turned to sneak away, but there was a dog in his way. The hound sniffed his pant leg, and stepped back, baring his teeth.

The stranger backed away slowly. "Nice doggy, good doggy…"

The dog started chasing after him, and when the man turned around to run, another dog was waiting for him. He tripped over the second dog, and fell right into what looked like a giant pile of dog—

"Awwww, _shit_."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I write these when I'm in a weird mood.I think you can tell.

Like I said last time, this is just a parody. If you actually take offense to any of this Looney Tunes shit, you're perfectly entitled to that opinion. But maybe you could unpucker that asshole, and crack a smile?

I hope you liked it. If you have something you'd like to see torn a new asshole, let me know. I will oblige.


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